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Mystery Videogame Theater 3000

Mystery Videogame Theater 3000 MVT3K #011: Legend of Success Joe

It's boxing, brawling, & JOE - and a heaping spoonful of SUCK

What if you made a fighting game for the neogeo (no, couldn’t be . . a fighting game? . . on the neogeo??), and made it all about boxing . . and made the main character Japanese (don’t laugh, it could happen!) . . and made him named Joe . . and tried to incorporate some sad sorry semblance of a storyline? Then, my compadres, and ONLY then, would you have "Legend of Success JOE", probably the neogeo’s worst game, a piece of goofy boxing nonsense, with a lead character that has all the charisma and battle aura of a gutted teletubby . . . . you fight some thugs . . you box . . you fight some ruffians . . you box some more . . and the vicious cycle continues until either you die or Joe does, or you’re sad enough to keep continuing until it’s over . . But mere words cannot describe LOSJ . . take a gander at the pics below . .

Joe seems to be sweatin’ up a flood, and hey, you would too if you were a scrawny Japanese lad trying to get into the boxing biz . . the alternate title for this wonderful legend was "Asian men can’t Box", but they felt that would be not only racially offensive, but also inappropriate since all attempts to contact Woody Harrelson for a cameo appearance were rudely rebuffed . . go figure . .

If you keep pronoun agreement in mind, this actually means "Mr.Rikishii" died from his OWN punch, which doesn’t surprise anyone who doubts the abilities of weak sauce like Joe in killing bare-handedly . . . Of course, If I ever kill anyone, and get desperate, the first thing I intend to do is provoke some Ruffians . . it’s good, clean, healthy FUN, and it could lead to more deaths . . it’s all part of the legend, people . . of success . . .

Joe really needs to take these guys out, before they blind him with their awfully bright, 80’s fashion sense . . that’s actually part of their strategy, which was originally started by Cyndi Lauper - confuse the opponent with obnoxious color schemes and horrendous aesthetic sense, then GO IN for the KILL . . . Thugs just wanna have fun . . .

Other "Legends of Success":

  • Legend of Success Joan of Ark: Join Joan as she fights some soldiers, hears voices in her head, fights some more soldiers, hears some voices in her head . . .
  • Legend of Success Gandhi: Join Gandhi as he helps Indian people, fasts, helps some more Indian people, fasts . .
  • Legend of Success Danny Devito: You play as Danny Devito, where you star in a comedy where you’re a greedy bastard, then star in a comedy where you’re not…
  • Legend of Success Bill Gates: Join Bill as he makes some money, then makes some more money, then makes a lot of money, then rakes in some cash…
  • Legend of Success General Custer: Well . . maybe not . .
  • Legend of Success Robert Downey jr: Join Rob as he’s checking into rehab, checking out & acting, checking into jail, checking into rehab, checking out & acting . .

Joe’s got some real issues with skin color, being one of those products of Japanese culture that refuses to recognize the rights of ethnicities to be represented in their accurate hue…

Mama said knock you out…
JOE’s gonna knock you out…

Some people think Capital Punishment is inhumane, and should be abolished . . I say, get your priorities straight; most grown, sentient humans would rather die than play LOSJ . . and so far, not a SINGLE industrialized nation has banned it . . . what a bunch of hypocrites . . . this game is enough to cause immediate cerebral hemorrhage, and that’s an understatement . . besides the lackluster, repetitive graphics, uninspired music, and "knock’em sock’em robots" control, the graphics make every single character look like they are made from clothes and silly putty, and everyone walks like they need some Pepto Bismol pronto . . . To whomever did the art for this game, even though you probably don’t speak English: Congratulations! If you are reading this, I haven’t killed you . . yet . . . but me and my associates are growing in number . . and we WILL find you . . . your days are numbered . . .

Watch Joe as he kicks Yul Brynner’s poorly dressed posterior

Let me speak of the Legend, the legend of success . . . . when you grow old, and have grand children . . when internet connections are measured in gigabytes a second, virtual reality is finally more than just a buzz phrase, and dreamcast emulation is a reality long past . . . you must TELL the children . . you must PASS ON the legend . . it must not die, with the eroding winds of time . . it must not be ephemeral, not a whisper on the frightened tongues of the few . . EVERYONE must know of the legend, and shout it in the streets, and tell it in the pubs, and pass it on to their children in turn . . .

. . . they will speak of JOE, and of his success, and as the passionate words seep forth from their enraged vocal chords, people will spit on the ground, and boo, and hiss, and finally hang their heads in shame; shame of being a member of the same species that created the man, the myth, the monster, the mongoloid, the madness that is . . . . JOE YABUKI . . .

Thank you, and goodnight . . .

"Eat my Success! Believe the Hype, believe the LEGEND! I’m JOE, and no one can touch my gnarly boxin skillz! How do I do it? Just two shakes a day and a sensible dinner! Ultra-Slim Fast and Soloflex gave me my vicious bod, and my Asian Ray Charles Mentor taught me the moves… back off and you might just live to tell the legend - the legend of success"


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