- MVT3K #001: Waku Waku 7
- MVT3K #002: Last Battle
- MVT3K #003: Teddy Boy
- MVT3K #004: Pipi & Bibi’s
- MVT3K #005: Space Harrier
- MVT3K #006: Snacks’n Jaxson
- MVT3K #007: The Ninja Kids
- MVT3K #008: Shaq-Fu
- MVT3K #009: Trio the Punch
- MVT3K #010: Rex Ronan
- MVT3K #011: Legend of Success Joe
- MVT3K #012: Crude Buster
- MVT3K #013: Shadowland
- MVT3K #014: Last Action Hero
Mystery Videogame Theater 3000 MVT3K #009: Trio the Punch
We give up: what the hell is going on??
I thought I had my life pretty much sorted out . . the wife, the job, the endless hours spent playing Zillion and eating Freetos . . I had it TOGETHER . . then, one cold, lonely morning, one game changed it all . . . . I’m talking about Trio the Punch, and if you know what’s good for you, you’ll listen . . real close . . . . I’ve played some strange games in my life . . Photograph Boy, Kato & Ken, Snacks’n Jaxson . . but while each of these games was disturbing in its own charming way, NEVER was I shocked, never confused beyond all reason, and NEVER did I lose countless nights of sleep, waking up in a cold sweat, screaming "WHY????" . . until I played Trio the Punch.
Describing Trio the Punch accurately is more difficult than scaling Mount Everest naked, covered with Crisco, while singing the national anthem in varying octaves . . . but we’ll try . . . oh, god, where to begin . . at first, you might think Trio the Punch is a side-scrolling beat’em up . . and you’d be partially right . . but . . well . . it’s just not that simple!!! Umm . . okay, we’ll just dive right into this head first. The full title is "Trio the Punch : Never Forget Me", which strikes us as odd, almost as if the game KNOWS it’s whack and is begging us to play anyway. Okay, you press start and you’re presented with three characters, hence "Trio" . . . one’s got a backwards baseball hat, one a silly ninja-mask thing, and the other looks like a kung-fu guy but when you start playing looks almost EXACTLY like Rastan . . go figure . . now, about the gameplay . . and your enemies . . . this is where Trio really just shines, in a way that only a game named "Trio the Punch : Never Forget Me" can . . You spend most of this game fighting little fat men who look like Karnov, and the rest of your time is taken up with sub-bosses that would seem weird even in a game like Parodius . . giant feet, giant fists, Huge Kitty-cats of death . . nothing is off limits . . I truly believe this game might possibly offend the cultural and spiritual beliefs of every people known to mankind . . . there are some really out there design decisions as well . . for example, you can bounce on bullets . . yes, if a Karnovesque boss spews fire at you, just jump on top and bounce around! It’s fun for the whole Trio!!
Right: I’m sorry . . do you find this gentleman the least bit intimidating? We neither . . in fact, if we encountered him in a dark alley, late at night, we would openly count our dollar bills while whistling the Mr.Ed theme song . . . he does bear a striking resemblance to bubbles the chimpanzee, and perhaps we can interest Michael Jackson in some sort of adoption scheme . . in the meantime, it’s the cage for this badboy.
Trio "Shredder from TMNT-Envy": "Holy shit I’m sexy in this mask . . you don’t even have to tell me . . I’m the sexiest member of Trio the Punch, hands down, any day . . My sexiness is talked of in far off lands, by giggling schoolgirls . . pygmy Karnov clones everywhere marvel at my muscular build and my enigmatic but beautiful eyes, hidden behind this mask of romantic intrigue . . I bought this shirt in an International Male catalogue for $120, and has it ever paid off . . I walk into bars, and men know they haven’t got a chance of scoring that night . . cause Trio is in the house, and I’m representin’"
Trio "embarassingly tofu-esque hairdo": "What?? You wouldn’t know sexy if it bit you in your seldom-used prostate, you masked freak! You remind me of that Sodom loser Capcom likes to employ . . everyone knows that SHIRTLESS=SEXY, and I ain’t got no shirt, so do the math . . chix dig Rastan, and I’m close enough to that brother to fool anybody besides those geeky chicks with glasses who’d know the difference . . Who’s Dr.Smooth? answer’s easy - would a sexy bloke have to wear a dorky mask to hide his ugly mug? I don’t think so . . case closed . . ."
The Trio the Punch development team were obviously really hyped about disembodied appendages, as you are attacked by a lone fist and a lone foot (and that’s just in the first 5 minutes). We at OC have a theory on this . . essentially, we believe that the team PRETENDED they were developing a normal game . . the boss would stop by, and they’d show him a level or two where you kill some guys and move forward . . then, secretly during the night, they would add weird-ass levels where you fought hands and little fat men who looked like Karnov, and meaningless pipes rose out of the ground with no apparent cause . . Why? No one will ever know . .
Right: Hey, this kinda looks like Rastan . . I’m down with this . . .
…Nooooo! You just had to go and shrink me and throw in a giant, emotionless Kitty of death! You bastards!
What the hell are people thinking when they make games like this? Could they even BE thinking? Is it possible that they might just be on mental auto-pilot, coding games with random and blatant disregard for logic, continuity, and enemies that don’t look like Karnov pygmies?? If moronic customers can sue McDonald’s for spilling hot coffee on themselves, I think I have a REAL strong case against Data East for emotional trauma and abuse . . you bounce off of bullets, have limited control, and seem content in wandering around infinitely scrolling playing fields looking for strange things to beat upon . . I don’t ask for too much plot in an action game - Mayor Haggar havin’ to save his city is good enough for me - but this is just WAY too minimalistic . . throw me a bone here, Data East - what gives? Did you exhaust all of your good ideas with Karnov and Bad Dudes? Why bring back Karnov without credit, as a midget bad guy? We need answers!! I’m willing to write the whole thing off to stress, if you just TELL us what went wrong . . accountability and reparation are in order!
Play this game . . you owe it to yourself . . . it IS fun, we don’t know why . . rest assured a team of researchers here at OC are working round the clock to study the appeal of such a work . . . one almost gets the feeling that Data East wanted to relive the success they had with "Bad Dudes", but didn’t quite know how to go about doing so . . let’s see, there were TWO bad dudes . . why not three? Yeah . . that’s good . . what else was Bad Dudes missing? Midget versions of Karnov! . . yeah, we did forget those, didn’t we? Okay, I think we have enough to work off of, just add some flying feet and hands, loop the backgrounds, and fire at will . . . I don’t wanna be premature here, folks, but I think we have another winner on our hands . . no one will ever forget Trio the Punch . . and just to be sure, we’ll tell them not to!
Other Trios (the):
- Trio the Breakup: Wilson-Phillips
- Trio the Knuckleheads:The Three Stooges
- Trio the Obese: The Fat Boys
- Trio the Yalta: Churchill, Stalin, Roosevelt
- Trio the Final Fight: Haggar, Cody, Guy
- Trio the Robotech: The Triumvirate
- Trio the Lupin: Lupin, Goemon, Jigen
- Trio the Holy: Father, Son, Holy Ghost
- Trio the Company: Jack Tripper, Janet, Chrissy
2 Responses to “MVT3K #009: Trio the Punch”
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.